Hear this, White Fairy stories start with once upon a time. Black Fairy stories start with, yo, you are not going to believe this. True or false? Anyway, I am starting mine the white way though its a Kenyan/Worldwide story. So, sometimes back someone asked for my help and after I slept on it, I offered to help. Few days after, they needed the same help to be constant; twice or thrice a week. I was taken aback and my money loving self got an idea…Why dont I charge for this help? Can you believe that?! We haggled over this help and out of frustration they asked me to keep money out of it.
At the back of my mind I told myself, fair enough, no more money is going to be mentioned anywhere. However in my physical self *chuckles*, I asked them, whats in it for me? So we(I) came up with a plan where both of us would benefit from each other and at the end of the day, everyone goes home happy. We are yet to make use of the devised plan and to tell you the truth, I dont even know if I want to go through with it.
The weeks that followed had me thinking how we have been accustomed to scratch my back I scratch yours it is ridiculous. Sometimes back I helped someone in their time of need and I didnt even charge them a cent for whatever. Few years later, I was in the same predicament they were in previously and of course I expected them to help me as a way of returning the favor. They did come through but it was short lived; it came with a few conditions that I religiously followed but it didnt end well. Needless to say *Chuckles*(I have always wanted to use this phrase), yes we see eye to eye but the relationship is obviously strained.
Where were we? We all know that part of the Bible(sorry for y’all who dont subscribe to this school of thought though I know, you have a similar one) where we are supposed to help but our right hand should not know what our left hand is doing. However, it is human nature to want to get help(returning favor) from someone we had helped. Trust you me most people help because they know at some point they’ll need this same person to chip in when needed. It is alright to want help from them but it is not alright to make it sound like its your right.
We’ll lend money to our friends cus at some point, they should come through for us. We babysit because at sometime, they should babysit for us. We do practically everything because the same help should come through for us at some point. Is it ok to expect the help right back? Yes and No. Yes because we are humans and we wont mind the help(favor) if it comes through. No because, they might not be in a position to help at that particular time. Unless of course this person is used to asking for favors all the time and when it is time to return them even once they vanish into the thin air. There’s only a thin line between being nice and being carried for a fool. Some people are users and they’ll exploit your good nature to the last drop of your blood.
I know I have said that we should learn to expect less from humansbut we can only do so for so long. We all need affection and kindness from our fellow humans at some point. All I am saying is, be open to everything; that the help might come from your buddies or family, or it might come from a complete stranger. Either way, dont hold grudges that it didnt come from where you expected; just forgive them. Easier said than done, HUH?!
I have always told everyone who cares to listen of how I want to become a man-Raila Odinga in my next life. Well, that keeps changing depending on the circumstances at hand. Why do I want to become a man in my next life? There are so many reasons if I start listing them now I might take the rest of this post just explaining. One thing that stands out though is the fact that men get away with a lot of shenanigans and well; I could get away with some of them. A few things however make me re-think my wish; one of them being how a man can woo a girl for eons and every darn time he gets rejected he tries harder. Me: I cant put up with that sh*t for whatever reason. If that person has already told you in not so many words they don’t want you in their life, why do you feel the need to try a third and a fourth time? Call me a quitter but I love myself too much; rejection aint my cuppa
Anyway, we are talking about the just concluded elections. Yes, I know you are already rolling your eyes so hard cus you wanna put elections in the past. However, before your eyes see the part where your hair follicles start, lets try and learn a few things from Raila Amollo Odinga or rather the Odingas. For starters, Raila is my latest role model; not like I have many of them. Do I even have role models? Story for another day. Anyway, Raila Odinga was in politics even before some of you knew how to clean their noses. Yes, he’s been in politics for more that 30 years. A kid was born; they grew up, schooled, graduated, got a job, and got married and now they have a baby or babies of their own and Raila is still in politics. I am not going to dwell on the gory details of his wins and his losses cus we all know them; however, we have a few lessons we can learn from him.
Let’s start by saying consistency is something the good Lord denied me when I was being created. I can’t be consistent to safe my neck. You know the way you are supposed to do something for at least 21 days to see results, if I do it for more than three days; I pat myself on the back. Thanks heavens for my fast metabolism otherwise this eating clean and keeping fit won’t cut it for me. I’d be looking like a baby hippo all the darn time. Anywho, matters Raila Odinga; he’s been consistently vied for a political seat every time there’s an election regardless of whether he’ll win or not. Even when all odds show that he’s headed for a loss, he still goes for it. As I said, my quitter self would have given up on the third time; I just don’t know how to take rejection. That consistency is what some of us lack and I guess I am the biggest culprit. We try the first and the second time and if we fail in both times, we hang our boots. They say the last key is the one that opens the door; well, I guess that’s why I have been out there more often than not cus I try two or three keys and call it quits.
Quitting is a word that does not appear in Raila’s dictionary. He has tried his hands on presidency for three times and he has lost on all three of them. Never did it occur to him that since he has lost twice, maybe he should have quit on the third one. Regardless of all the ridicule and supposed injustices that came his way, he still soldiered on and every time he was sure he’d clinch it. Well, lets just say we all need to have Raila Odinga as our spirit man or is it spirit animal. His resilience is something we should all admire.
However, and I know I am contradicting myself; it is good to know when to quit; to save yourself the humiliation, to re-strategize, to come up with something new. He just doesn’t know when to quit!
Need for Change
We all know doing the same thing over and over again and expecting something different is quite unreasonable. Well, he has changed political parties more times than we can count but there’s something about his strategy that doesn’t auger well with his bid for presidency. I don’t know whether it is his choice of political buddies aka advisors or it is his implementation of his party policies that doesn’t favor Raila Odinga, there’s just something that fails him. But if you ask me, his choice of political buddies might have been his greatest undoing. They say if you hang out with eagles you’ll become like them, same as hanging out with chicken (sorry chicken lovers; I love chicken just as much). If the people you hang out with do not seem to be developing in anyway, it is time to call it quits with them.
Spousal support (Ida Odinga)
Marriage is for till death do you apart; but some of y’all wont wait until then. When your spouse needs you the most is when you realize how you had not signed up for it. Ida has been RAOs support since we can remember. She’ll always show up in almost all his public political meetings. Never have we read in the blogs how she left RAO and called him unprintable names like how some of y’all clean your dirty laundry in the public. This woman is the proverbial woman in the good book; she’s ‘the good thing’ RAO found. Embracing her man even when he fails; hugs him and encourages him to try next time. I’d hate to imagine the many times she’s had to be the strength he desperately needed. How she had to go out of her way to make him feel better after all the ridicule and stuff. Raila Odinga might be strong but let’s just say Ida Odinga is stronger. It needs a different kind of strength to be the strength that the other person needs.
I am writing this with a very heavy heart; my tiny heart cannot hold this disappointment anymore. The glam gods don’t want me anywhere near their clique! As in my face can’t hold make up for a whole day without me looking like I have been stung by bees, arrgh! Yaaani, one hour after applying makeup I’ll start having a tingling feeling and before I know it, I am looking for water or wet wipes to wipe the darn thing off. Mind you, I don’t like lots of products on my face cus the cakey feeling/look just wears my face off. My face just feels heavy and stuff.
For a few times I’d blame the sun, I’d blame the product but the other day I just realized I am meant to be a plain Jane all my life; just like the good Lord had intended. I rarely buy make up; the only item I ever bought was a compressed powder and trust me its been years. That compressed powder has seen better days. I am actually considering trashing it. The other make-up item was a Maybelline compressed powder that was actually a free gift, eeh the love of freebies might be the end of me one day. Some of you might remember a post I had made about a lotion that was threatening to de-melanin me; the Maybelline compressed powder came with it. The lipstick, I guess I pinched from my friend or my mother’s friend gave it to me; i just cant remember. I have dark eye circles and its not that I don’t get enough sleep; I just don’t know why they want to make me look old before my actual old age comes. So I ask a friend to give me some concealer to put on my dark circles cus I was feeling a little playful; I was just in a good mood. I put on the concealer and applied some compressed powder to complete the look. I am looking all glammed up and stuff; I have a slightly pink/purple lippie and I could not get enough of myself.
Infact I went ahead and asked for the price of the concealer so that I can buy mine and stop borrowing make-up. She mentioned the price and my jaw fell down; I couldn’t believe that tiny thing was going for almost 2K. Maybe its not even much money but my penny pinching self finds it a bit too much. Anyhow, I am going through the day, admiring my face, working; practically minding my own business and then I realize my face is feeling a bit swollen. So I start moving my face muscles and it occurs to me my face is actually swollen on the areas I had applied the concealer.I ran to the washroom and cleaned my face and applied Vaseline.
I just sat there and complained to the owner of the concealer and made up my mind I’ll never apply anything close to make-up on my face ever again! Lets not even start with weaves and wigs; story for another day. So, if you see me with blemishes all over, dark circles and stuff, just understand the make-up gods don’t want me anywhere near them. I’ll just remain a plain Jane just like the good Lord had intended it. Besides, it is the inner beauty that matters, right?! Yah! I am fearfully and wonderfully made 🙂
Do you remember that time you ordered something from Jumia, or Kilimall or even Amazon? How many times did you order the same item? Once, right? Also, that time you went to that restaurant and ordered a meal, how many times did you order the same meal, I suppose it is once. You definitely sat pretty like a good person cus you knew it’ll come any way. You didn’t keep on bugging the online shop personnel or that waiter because you knew it’s just a matter of time and you’ll have your whatever. So what happens when you pray about something and you have to keep on praying about the same thing over and over again? Isn’t that like bugging your Maker? I know the good book says He’ll never get tired of us going back to Him but a soul can only take too much. This kind of nagging shows Him how small your faith is.
Praying/asking for something over and over again doesn’t make it come quickly; what matters is the amount of faith you have. Pray once and then start thanking Him cus you know it’s just a matter of time and you’ll have your prayer request honored. No one likes an entitled spoilt brat as their child; that’s why you feel offended when your child or your friend makes you feel like it’s their right when you do something for them. Same case happens with God and with the Universe; be thankful and you’ll have even more than you bargained for.
I may not be where I want to be but I have learnt that praying and waiting patiently without complaining is better than nagging and obsessing over it. Have positive vibes that at the right time, you’ll get what you have been patiently waiting. Start acting like you already have it and you’ll be surprised of how easy and fast it is to get what you want. Faking it till you make it has never had a better meaning
So, start this month with gratitude; for all that you have and all that you are expecting.
HAPPY MONTH FOLKS! ITS GONNA BE A GOOD MONTH, I HAVE A STRONG FEELING ABOUT IT!
The other day one of my colleagues was to take us on a road trip, Shi and I, well, he was also part of the road trip. He however decided to bring along his crush which was ok with me until Shi pointed out how awkward that would be. I thought to myself, mmhhh, come to think of it, it’ll be awkward. Any who, it was already late and I couldn’t backtrack on my decision since he had asked if I was ok with it and I had said yes.. The D-day is here, we meet, we get to the car, awkwardness is already setting in and we are wondering how much we would ENDURE before we get to our destination. I guess the universe heard/saw our dissatisfaction because the car developed problems even before we left Nairobi County. And we happily exited from the car; eeeh, how sadistic can we get?
Same weekend on Sunday I pop into this salon after church cus my hair needed some TLC. Salons in my hood don’t need you to make an appointment, so you just pop in and have your hair done. This particular day though, everyone was busy and she decided to get me someone else to do my hair. I had to go to her salon to have my hair done. My hair is washed and blow dried and as we all know, once someone else comes in, your plaiting has to wait as she gets this easy money. Any-who, I don’t have an issue so long as it is one client; not 20 clients and yours truly has to wait. Anyway, as I wait for this client to be served, this salonist’s 4 year old daughter is being groomed to be a salonist and she decides yours truly will be her human mannequin. I sit there silently even as my head is being turned right, left and center and since I am a nice person, I let this baby practice. Any-who, she’s threatening to leave me with a broken neck and I nicely tell her to stop.. She throws a tantrum, I kid you not! Anyway, I stand my ground and she ends up sleeping out of anger.
People pleasers or is it people pleasing is a bad disease you know. We never realize we are pleasing people until we have already done it too many times, or until someone points it out. You realize I didn’t say no to my colleague bringing his crush along as much as it was supposed to be the three of us. Do you know why I might have said yes, because I didn’t want him to think I am a meanie, I didn’t want him to feel like I am selfish and stuff. I didn’t want him to say he’s changed his mind if his crush can’t tag along; beggars are not choosers J. Why didn’t I say not to the kid threatening to break my neck? I didn’t want to break her heart.
You see why we say yes to please people; for love, validation, favors (just in case we need something from them at some point). I am naturally a nice person J and I am too soft as well, so sometimes I’ll just agree to do something even though it’ll inconvenience me. Other times I’ll say no but the guilt that will eat me up is just on another level. I can’t decide whether my neediness has a lot to do with it but I am trying to understand myself as time goes by. Someone says I am quite needy, hahaha! I don’t know about that but I am trying to enjoy my own company as days go by, damn! This age thing is coming with a lot of wisdom; the things I’ve learnt since I turned a year older this year are much more than I have ever learnt in my entire life! Story for another day J
Can you say no to people pleasing? Yes, you can. How can you do that?
By knowing that you have a choice; yes, you have a choice, you have a freaking choice! You don’t have to say yes to everything. I know making that choice is the hardest but once you say no, more than once, you’ll get the hang of it. Just say no if you cant help on whatever, kesi baadaye( explanations later)
Think it over: Once someone asks for a favor, don’t blurt out a yes even before a second thought. I have this tendency of saying yes even before I think much about it. Of course once you give a yes, you are done for! There’s no going back. So ask for some time to think about it although once someone tells me they’ll get back to me, it translates into a no in not so many words. Whatever the case, after much thought you’ll know if you are in a position to agree to it or not
Love yourself! I can’t emphasize on this; I am still a long way into loving myself but I am making some good steps. We all know this validation seeking is because we don’t love ourselves enough and we think some external love will do us a lot of good. Unfortunately this external love does us more harm than good. By the time we realize what is happening, we are more damaged than we were before it came along. Put yourself first, love yourself so much until people start terming it as being selfish or being self centred.
Don’t give explanations as to why you cant: Once you start explaining yourself on why you cant, believe you me you’ll find yourself deep in. Some people just have a way of arm twisting you and being the nice you, you cant uncoil yourself from their pinky finger. You end up pleasing them at the expense of your happiness/sanity. Say no until you say what you are getting yourself into. As I said, it is OK to say no
Even the Bible says love your neighbor as you love yourself; yaani, love yourself first so that you can love your neighbor. By doing so, you don’t have to put up with people’s shenanigans so that they can give love in return..
LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF! I MEAN LOVE YOURSELF
Three weeks ago I made a rather hard decision;that of going Mt. Longonot with Kenyan adventures. Yeah, I know I am making it sound like it’s a hike up Mt. Everest. It’s such an achievement for a person who generally hates getting tired and moreso from walking. I am not lazy just so you know; I just like taking breathers before I even get tired. A few days prior to the hike I almost gave up cus I had been postponing my physical exercises until it was the last day of getting my body physically ready. Come the D-day and I almost got late cus I cant keep time to save my neck. I woke up early although I don’t think waking up some minutes to 6 was early enough for someone who drags her whole self when it comes to getting ready for anything. So, I leave the house at 6.30 a.m and the meeting time was supposed to be at 7.00 a.m, I take some minutes to get to the bus stop and that gives me 20 minutes to get to town. Bad idea! I get to the bus stop and a 54 seater bus has like 10 people, at 6.52 a.m the bus is still half full. All the while I am trying to keep my nerves in check lest I start shaking because of God knows why. It is 7.00 a.m and the bus leaves for town; looking at the hiking’s whatsapp group( Kenyan Adventures on Facebook) and all I can see is people asking where the bus is parked and I knew my goose was cooked.
Just like a typical Kenyan, I send a text to say I am almost getting there never mind I am not even halfway. The guy does not even text back and I hoped against hope that I’ll still find them there. Good luck I got to town at 7.15 a.m and I alighted from the bus and started running across the street like a crazy person. Eeeh, some touts told me to run even faster as if they knew where I was going. Luckily, on Sundays Nairobi is almost like a deserted desert, so there were no distractions of bumping into humans or people looking at you like you just stepped from the space.
I get to where the bus was parked after asking for directions cus when my nerves are on edge I cant think clearly. Have you ever been in such a situation where you’ve heard of a certain building and you’ve even passed there a few minutes but when you are not in your normal self you cant even remember the direction? Shock, shock, shock, the bus is half full, some got there and went to shop for snacks others had not arrived and to think I was worried sick that I might be left got me thinking why I was even worried. I mean most of us are African timers and when one says 7 a.m they might as well mean 7.30 a.m. I sit there sipping my tea (strong tea) that I had made in the house and never had time to take it. I don’t know what I’ll ever do to get time to do breakfast. Moving on swiftly, we wait for the late comers and since I didn’t have time to do my shopping for snacks as a result of bad time planning, I sit there and hoped we’ll be provided for with snacks. The good Lord heard my prayers though cus less than hour after our journey started, we got our snacks hahahahahaha! I mean we had paid for these snacks. Each row was to share the large pack of crisps and each row had a maximum of 4 people, some had three people though. For some weird reason the pack of crisps ended up on my laps after doing its round. So I ended up taking more than I should. Same thing happened when were coming back. The crisps pack ended up on my laps the darn time; in fact I took home the remaining crisps. Let us just say I took enough junk to last me a whole year; crisps, soda, biscuits, sweets, the whole works.
We used the Mai-Mahiu road where we took some time enjoying the great rift valley escarpment although there was not much to enjoy cus the weather was not all that. Those who wanted to take breakfast did although I wasn’t interested as such. I thought I’d buy a soda but being the miser I am, I decided I cant buy a soda or even any other drink at a 100 bob almost double the price in the normal shops. Even the water bottle ( half a litre) we buy at 20 or 30 shillings was going for 75 shillings, imagine that! So, when going on such trips, don’t be like me, prepare adequately.
Fast forward and we are at Mt. Longonot National Park. We did some stretching to prepare the body for this much awaited hike.. Eeeeh, lets just say the preparation didn’t help me in anyway cus I started getting tired even before I walked for 1km. For a person who cant take a six floor staircase without complaining, for a person who spends 8 hour of her life sitting in the office, 6 days per week, this was torture. I started questioning my life’s choices and why I paid to come and torture my body. I had already started and going back was not an option; I mean I am just starting to build on the “NO QUITTER” kind of life and I hope to keep the fire burning. So, the whole group slowly divided itself into three groups the first/(fast) group, the second( slightly fast) group and the third (slow) group. I was in the second group and my mates wont let me be left behind lest I went back. I soldiered on and made it to the first resting point after taking some very steep stairs, yes there are staircases on that terrain otherwise we’d have crawled on all falls to get up there. So, we found the first group there already and after taking water, licking on some glucose we continued with our hike. Did I say there was a lady who showed up with wedge open shoes? I kid you not! And we thought she had a pair to change into, shock on us when she said she was ok with her high heeled shoes. Surprisingly she finished the hike before the rest of us; she was among the first group and even when we got back to the bus she didn’t look like she’d just been run over by a truck like your’s truly.
We are halfway the terrain and we found some whites from the land of opportunities (U.S of A) on the same mission as us- that of going up Mt.Longonot. Some were coming down hill while others were just a few metres ahead of us. It got me thinking, people come from continents away to come see/and hike while we are just here being too lazy to enjoy the beauty of our country. Anyway, with 8 to 5 jobs, 6 days a week, who has the time to do hikes and the what nots? Besides, there are better things to do with that money and torturing our bodies in the name of adventure is not one of them. So, this lady, Madison from the land of Trump and her friends kept on sliding and falling at times but they soldiered on. At some point, she mentioned her main goal this year was to lose weight and trust me hiking can make you lose weight. I wonder what other mountain she is hoping to conquer as the year progresses.
At the top of Mt. Longonot, some 2560 metres above sea level
So, we all make it to the top and everyone was happy with their achievements. Getting to the top is approximately 3kms or so but being a rough terrain, you might think it was 10kms. Take pictures at the top, eat or is it lick glucose then continue with the 7.2 kms walk around the crater rim. I thank God for some nice chap that helped me carry my backpack that had my water and some girl’s (Maurine). Shout outs to Lee who helped a girl to carry her backpack and held her hand when the going got tough! Let me shock you; there is a chap whose hustle is to sell watermelons and pineapples up there. I kid you not! He takes his wares up there every damn morning and goes back downhill every evening. That kind of determination is what I need in my life. A piece of watermelon that we buy at Kshs. 20 in the normal streets/market goes for Kshs. 50 while a piece of pineapple goes for Kshs.80. By the time you are getting up there, you can even buy the piece of watermelon at Kshs. 100 cus your energy is so spent you might find yourself collapsing. Those fruits taste heavenly and they are so darn cold like they have just come from a fridge; just the right temperature at the right time to cool your body.
Round the rim of Mt. Longonot crater hike/walk if you like
After conquering the first part, you would like to conquer the second one, and as I said, I’m trying to denounce the QUITTER’S LIFE. I follow my group since the first group is already steps or hills ahead. It’s all fun and games until we need to walk on all fours to keep our balance and not slide backwards; one misstep and you might find yourself tumbling down the crater( the inside part where only a chopper can get you) or outside the crater rims and end up on God knows where. It’s a hurdle after hurdle, taking pictures as we take breathers; the breathers came in handy cus the altitude was taking a toll on us. When we were almost getting to the highest point( the crater rims’ highest point) it starts drizzling and I ask one of my crew members (shout out to Charlo) to give me his cap to keep my hair dry. We have hurry to the resting point (the highest point of Mt.Longonot called Kilele Ngamia-2870 metres) before the soil becomes slippery and stuff. We get there and it rains heavily and the raindrops were almost getting painful, whats with the ice cold winds up there. I even thought I’d come down with a flu. My shirt is already so wet, my fingers are already swollen and I’m almost crying but big girls don’t cry, hahahhaha! I console myself cus there’s a girl who cant see properly without her glasses; we all know they get blurry when it rains and she had to rely on her friend for directions and stuff.
At some point I removed my shirt and remained with the spaghetti top cus I figured the wet shirt was making me colder. We are halfway our journey and some white guy with a famous football team’s t-shirt comes running and bypasses us; I’m left wondering where he got the energy from. My newly found friend figured he could be an athlete and I wondered if he came all the way from wherever to come and train in Kenya or if he was holidaying and decided to go up the mountain. Some two boys bypassed us and they were running. It hit me its either age is catching up with me (of course it is, who am I kidding J ) or I am just a lazy bum. I mean how can they be running when I can barely put one foot before the other?
Fast forward, we are back to the starting point at the top of the crater after much struggle. The crisps that always ended up on my laps came in handy cus we badly needed that energy. Getting down hill was not any easier. In fact, at some point I had to be literally dragged cus I thought my legs would cave in. I was the last person to get down there and the guide was getting worked up that I was keeping him from getting downhill fast. When we got to a safer place he let go off my hand and as soon as he left me, my legs could not hold me any longer and I fell on my bum. I sat there feeling sorry for my a** quite literally as I held back tears. I found my group after some time; I guess they were waiting for me and bless this soul who carried me a few steps to a flatter ground when my legs almost caved in.
And it’s a wrap! I finished my hike, which was quite an achievement. That cliché; run, walk or crawl so long as you get there had never made more sense in my life! I made it to the bus looking like a dying soul. Had my lunch at some minutes to 5 or is it 6 p.m cus I cant remember well. It comprised of a burger and a packet of milk. I took a few bites of those uncooked veggies they put there and wondered how people stomach raw veggies. I am done with my lunch and I try to drift to sleep but I guess when you are uber tired you cant sleep. Even my eyes were tired, I kid you not! Its back to Nairoberry where I almost lost my phone to some two chaps who were trying some small talk with me; one was keeping the conversation going while the other was busy with my back pack’s zipper. My paranoia came in handy though.
I am back to my house and all I want is to hit the bed and ‘listen’ to my body. It is on a Monday morning and my whole body feels like its been run over by a truck. I spend the whole day in bed finishing my junk food cus I can’t even fix lunch for myself. Monday is over and I am wondering how I will sail through the week with a sore body, work and stuff; God help me.
It is Tuesday and I have been cussing like a sailor from the moment I woke up. Walking is a nightmare; I am waddling like a pregnant penguin. This week should end already!
Exercise enough before taking on a hike
Prepare well with snacks and stuff the day before to avoid running like a headless chicken
Keep your phones and valuables in the innermost pockets where a pick pocket will have to wrestle you before they get them
Keep your radars high when strangers want to engage you with small talks in the streets
Us wannabe writers aka bloggers ‘collect’ stuff to write about on the streets of Mark Zuckerberg, hahaha! Do I even qualify to be a blogger? I don’t even know.. Anyway, yesterday I happened to see something that almost gave me a sleepless night and it’s giving me a mini migraine even as we talk. Hypothetically (although in this case it is a real situation), you get married to a white man, you are blessed with a baby girl unfortunately the relationship doesn’t work and each of you goes their separate ways. Baby daddy gets married and proceeds to get a family while the lady gets into another relationship, ‘situationship ‘ if you like and another baby is brought forth but this time with an African(black). You’ll forgive me for using black and white; that is if it irks you.
Fortunately or unfortunately the baby daddy 1 is responsible and takes care of his daughter, the same cant be said of baby daddy number two. In fact baby daddy two almost denied the baby but who is Mother Nature, baby came out looking like his twin, like a second pea in the pond. Now, this is where the problem comes in; first, there’s a complexion difference, I can’t believe someone called the biracial kid a ‘chotara’ whatever that means. Secondly, when the first born is picked by her dad, second born (a boy) is left with the mum and to say he’s distraught every time the sister goes away would be an understatement. Good thing is, the kids go to the same school courtesy of baby daddy 1; the only problem is the picking of the first born and the second born being left because when she comes back, she narrates about all her weekend escapades and the boy feels left out. Now, this mum is at pains explaining to the boy why he can’t tag along when his sister goes away. Of course this disparity in treatment is affecting the boy and their mother has no idea how to handle the situation. In fact the boy thinks he can’t tag along because of his complexion; poor thingL. Eeh, sounds like a Naija movie!
This is a very tricky situation for all parties because, one, you can’t force the responsible guy to hang out with the kid who is not his. Secondly, you can’t deny this father access to his daughter because you are trying to protect the boy child. Thirdly, you can’t force the irresponsible guy to take up his responsibility. Decisions, decisions, eeeh, being caught between a rock and a hard place; this is where being an adult becomes haaaaaaaaaaard! It is even harder being a parent to kids with different baby daddies and worse when there’s racial difference.
Anyway, if you ask me, sleepovers should cease and baby daddy 1 to be visiting his daughter in her mother’s house. All presents bought should be shared between the two kids. If there are any toys, clothes or shoes, baby daddy one to leave the cash with the mother so that she knows what to buy for each of the kids.
Second solution; agree with this guy and his wife such that when the girl is picked, the boy tags along. Just once a month kinda thing won’t hurt their pockets. The mother can also chip in with the outing’s cost. But this might be tricky because this boy might still be treated differently
Third solution; the mother to get an uncle, a cousin or a male friend to be picking the boy (though this is to be taken with a pinch of salt cus the person might abuse the boy). In such a case, the mother to tag along every time and yes, she foots the bill too. But still this boy will might have separation anxiety issues when the ‘mentor’ decides to walk away; poor thing L
Fourth solution: Seek counseling from a professional, prayers and fasting because this requires wisdom from heaven above. I won’t wish even my worst enemy to be in such a situation because it ceased being tricky a long time ago, it’s complicated, its messed up, it’s just tangled, all rolled up into one.
Fifth solution: make this weekend thing a one day’s affair and everyone including the guy’s wife to go on this date. This should go on until both kids are able to understand the situation and from there on each to choose what they want to do with their weekends aka free time.
Now, I think I am arguing a ‘cushioned point of view’ you know, it’s them and not me and chances are it might never happen to me. But if this was my case, I’d never let my kids feel the difference whether black or mixed. Make them understand they are sisters and brothers and that’s all that matters.
Moral of the story, when you decide to have different fathers for your kids although at times sh*t happens; let them be from the same race and the same financial capability (sounds like a gold digger’s line of thought but heck! Anything for my kids). Its easier to deal with other issues but not race issues; also equal treatment for both kids when one baby daddy decides to fold his legs and hands. Don’t let one kid enjoy all the niceties when the other is left feeling like they are a mistake on the face of the earth. By letting one to be picked and later dropped with bags and bags of shopping is just breeding hatred between the kids. This is how sibling rivalry is born and getting them to love another later in life will be an uphill task, the hatred will trickle down to their families; so tread carefully.
Bottom line, put yourself in her situation, how would you handle the situation different? Let me hear/see what you think.
They say the only two honest people on this earth are a drunkard and a child below 8 years; when they get to nine, they are already mini-adults. Well, ‘honesty’ for a drunken person is just an act of cowardice because they are not bold enough to say it as it is. Ask a child about what they feel about an outfit and they will tell you if it is smart or bland. They might not give the exact details but if they said it is not good, trust me it is not. The beauty about kids is that they’ll always say it as it is; they are better than your friends who will never tell you a certain dress doesn’t look on you. So, if you have a child that tells you someone has not been nice to them, trust them, they can’t make that up.
This is not so much about honesty but about forgiveness; I know that escalated fast. Anyway, we all get into nasty word fights with our friends, partners and well, pretty much anyone we have a relationship with at work or anywhere else. During that heated moment, we are bound to exchange nasty words that leave us so hurt and it only takes the grace of heaven to forget about it. When you get into such an exchange and if you have a chance to walk away, please do, otherwise no amount of apologizing will ever erase the nasty stuff you said.
Saying nasty things to your loved one is not something that comes to you when you start that fight. It is something you’ve entertained in your mind for far too long but you never got a chance of saying it. I read a post on Facebook sometimes back of sisters who got drunk and then started spewing all manner of horrible words to each other. They are uterine sisters (your homework for this week). In that moment of insults and stuff, one of the sisters let’s call her Delilah said the other sister, let’s call her Sarah is ‘dirty blood’ and some other evil stuff. So, Delilah was asking if she should apologize to Sarah since everyone in their family is up in arms that she should apologize. My issue was not even apologizing but the fact that she had thought about dirty blood in her sister all long even before the alcohol came into the picture. She might apologize and even do a sacrifice to signify how sorry she is but the fact that she said it when drunk means that’s what she’s thought about her all along
Therefore, next time someone says you are ugly or you are fat or you are A, B, C, and D when they are tipsy and then cry foul the next morning, they meant every word they said. That to me is cowardice and it should never be taken lightly. Also, when they say something nasty when you get into a fight and a few weeks/months down the line they decide to apologize and include that line of ‘I didn’t mean to’, they meant exactly what they said. I’m a firm believer of forgiving even before the wronging party apologizes because it just lessens your burden.
Accept the apology when they finally decide to apologize and swiftly move on. I’ve been wronged one too many times but the best thing about this soul is that she forgets quickly. However, that does not mean I’ve given you a leeway to step on my toes every damn time. I just don’t have enough space for carrying grudges; they are too heavy.
A few weeks ago a loved one lost her boyfriend and it has not been easy for her. We are trying as much as we can to be there for her. I can’t be with her all the time cus we are towns apart, but I try to talk to her whenever I can through whatsapp and messenger and once in a while i will call. Unfortunately, I realized I’m always trying to play the shrink whenever I talk to her and sometimes I end up saying the wrong things. At some point she told me I was missing the point and the very same day I made a mental note to stop playing the shrink. I have that problem of playing the shrink all the time, never mind I could do with the same counseling I try to dish to others. Sometimes being a first born makes you want to smother everyone else just because you smother your smaller brothers. You want to play mother to those who are younger than you. See my life 😀 , see your lives y’all firstborns.
Things you should never say to a grieving soul;
I know what you feel
We have all lost a loved one at some point and one thing I can tell you, never tell someone who have lost a loved one that you understand what they are going through cus trust me, you have no idea. You could have lost your grandma but it was not her grandma; you have no idea the kind of a relationship they had with their grandma. Your relationship with your grandma is or was special; so is this grieving person’s, so don’t try to compare your pain because it is not the same.
Try and move on- be strong for your kids
Never tell them to move on already; trust me you have no idea how much they are trying to not think about their loss. Telling them to move on already is like telling them to pretend their loved one never existed in the first place. Telling them not to grieve for long is like dictating how they should feel and when they should feel it. Sometimes as much as we want to feel happy, our circumstances do not let us and going with the flow is the only way out of the empty feeling. Telling them to pretend everything is ok for their children is an insult. As if the poor soul is not burdened enough by what they are going through. The children also need to see grief in their surviving parent that is if they are not too young to understand.
Grieving in the very first few days or even months can be compared to having a major surgery like a heart surgery. You are not supposed to move from your surgery bed to running around fixing stuff in the house, preparing kids for school and stuff. You should first focus on yourself to heal and then you can slowly move to doing things the way you used to. Therefore, telling a grieving person to be strong for their child or children is like telling them to stop being selfish in their grief and look after their needs first.
Not mourning enough because you are taking care of others’ emotions will only prolong the pain. Also, telling them that the pain will lessen with time is like putting a timetable for their grief or emotions. So, just let the person mourn at their own pace because hurrying them through the process will only leave them more hurt. Hurrying them through the process is like disregarding their feelings and telling them to find something else to think about cus their loss does not matter a lot.
So, how about the governor?
This kind of conversation might seem like you are being helpful to the grieving person by not mentioning the sad part. What they really need is someone they can hold with a real conversation; someone not afraid to talk about the sad and tough stuff. They need someone they can sit with; someone who can listen to them without feeling like they’ll be judged. If they will want to talk about the weather and other current affairs matters, be there for them. What you need to understand is that real healing comes after talking about the heavy matters and in this case the loss of their loved one.
Cherish the memories
The last thing a newly grieved person wants to remember is what they had with their loved one. At this particular time, they are hurting, their mind is spinning on why it happened to them and so many other things; their faith has also been broken. Therefore, remembering old memories will only make their situation worse and creating new memories is what they yearn for but they just cannot.
What you should do:
Walk with them through the process; when they need you to listen, just listen, when they want to hear something from you, choosing your words wisely is paramount. Saying the wrong things will only undo the small milestones they’ve already made; I’ve learnt this all too well.
Encourage the person to mourn their loved because if they skip that step of mourning, coming into terms and learning to live with it, they will never entirely move on. Get them materials to help them cope with the pain; books, videos, audios; just anything to make the process less painful. And for Pete’s sake, just don’t play the shrink; if they needed one, they’d have hired his or her services. So, just listen when they need you to listen and talk when they need you to talk. If only we learnt to listen more and talk less, our lives would be better. Sometimes all we need is a listening ear and not a bickering mouth telling us what to feel and when to feel it. Listen more and talk less; cliché much but makes sense all the darn time
Dogs bark when they are distressed or when they are hungry. Other times they’ll bark for no apparent reason which makes it annoying at times. Some breeds are more prone to barking as compared to others. Whatever the case, the million dollar question is whether you should use a dog collar on your dog. However, before you get a dog collar, you should get to know why your dog is barking. The dog might be genuine sometimes but when it is just whining, a bark collar will come in handy. This site has nice bark collar reviews http://thepalacedog.com/bark-collar-reviews
How does a dog shock collar work?
For starters, shock collars are not a form of punishment; they serve to correct a certain bad behavior and in this case barking. With the time, the dog will learn to associate the uncomfortable stimuli with the unwanted behavior and stop. You need to make sure the collar is approved to make sure the shock does not harm your dog. Most shock collars will have several levels of enforcement such that the unwanted behavior can be dealt with accordingly. Many shock collars produce a beeping sound before the dog starts barking to serve as a warning. If the dog barks anyway, shock will be administered. The beep will also allow you to give a verbal warning to your dog. With the both warnings in place, the dog will refrain from barking.
The dog collar responds to the movement/vibration of your dog’s vocal cords, the collar will produce a beep sound and then go ahead and administer a shock stimulus if and when the dog barks.
Pros and cons of using shock collars
You can adjust the settings of your dog’s shock collar to whatever you think is tolerable for your dog. This is music to the ears of those who are still having mixed feelings about the shock collars. Other collars like spray collars are not adjustable making a shock collar your best bet.
Shock collars give fast results especially for dogs willing to learn and change. As for stubborn dogs, it might take some time but you’ll still get there.
With shock collars, you don’t need to be there to control your dog’s unnecessary barking. Shock collars can also be used as boundary controls as part of a dog wireless fence http://thepalacedog.com/best-wireless-dog-fence/ although you’ll need to train your dog first. If the dog goes beyond the recommended boundary, the shock stimuli will be administered and the dog will go back. However, shock collar or no shock collar, dog should not be left alone for long periods.
The shock is not very pleasant as much as it is harmless. Dog trainers recommend using positive reinforcement method of modifying your dog’s behavior in place of negative feedback.
Shock collars might instill fear in your dog and instead of progressing, they’ll start retrogressing. For example when using the shock collar as boundary training, the dog might refuse to go out of the house. The dog will fear anything associated with the shock and become withdrawn thus stressing him.
Some automatic and electric bark collars might go off intentionally especially those that detect sounds from the outside. This will lead to the dog being punished for other dog’s barks. In such a case, where the dog gets punished for other dog’s barks, the dog might get confused because they don’t understand why they are being punished.
In conclusion, using a dog bark shock collar is not supposed to make you a bad dog parent. Shared training sessions might see you and your dog improving on your relationship. Therefore, get a bark collar for your dog. It keeps your pet disciplined and out of the harm’s way