Being a parent (mother) in a blended family needs wisdom

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Us wannabe writers aka bloggers ‘collect’ stuff to write about on the streets of Mark Zuckerberg, hahaha! Do I even qualify to be a blogger? I don’t even know.. Anyway, yesterday I happened to see something that almost gave me a sleepless night and it’s giving me a mini migraine even as we talk. Hypothetically (although in this case it is a real situation), you get married to a white man, you are blessed with a baby girl unfortunately the relationship doesn’t work and each of you goes their separate ways. Baby daddy gets married and proceeds to get a family while the lady gets into another relationship, ‘situationship ‘ if you like and another baby is brought forth but this time with an African(black). You’ll forgive me for using black and white; that is if it irks you.

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Fortunately or unfortunately the baby daddy 1 is responsible and takes care of his daughter, the same cant be said of baby daddy number two. In fact baby daddy two almost denied the baby but who is Mother Nature, baby came out looking like his twin, like a second pea in the pond. Now, this is where the problem comes in; first, there’s a complexion difference, I can’t believe someone called the biracial kid a ‘chotara’ whatever that means. Secondly, when the first born is picked by her dad, second born (a boy) is left with the mum and to say he’s distraught every time the sister goes away would be an understatement. Good thing is, the kids go to the same school courtesy of baby daddy 1; the only problem is the picking of the first born and the second born being left because when she comes back, she narrates about all her weekend escapades and the boy feels left out. Now, this mum is at pains explaining to the boy why he can’t tag along when his sister goes away. Of course this disparity in treatment is affecting the boy and their mother has no idea how to handle the situation. In fact the boy thinks he can’t tag along because of his complexion; poor thingL. Eeh, sounds like a Naija movie!

This is a very tricky situation for all parties because, one, you can’t force the responsible guy to hang out with the kid who is not his. Secondly, you can’t deny this father access to his daughter because you are trying to protect the boy child. Thirdly, you can’t force the irresponsible guy to take up his responsibility. Decisions, decisions, eeeh, being caught between a rock and a hard place; this is where being an adult becomes haaaaaaaaaaard! It is even harder being a parent to kids with different baby daddies and worse when there’s racial difference.

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Anyway, if you ask me, sleepovers should cease and baby daddy 1 to be visiting his daughter in her mother’s house. All presents bought should be shared between the two kids. If there are any toys, clothes or shoes, baby daddy one to leave the cash with the mother so that she knows what to buy for each of the kids.

Second solution; agree with this guy and his wife such that when the girl is picked, the boy tags along. Just once a month kinda thing won’t hurt their pockets. The mother can also chip in with the outing’s cost. But this might be tricky because this boy might still be treated differently

Third solution; the mother to get an uncle, a cousin or a male friend to be picking the boy (though this is to be taken with a pinch of salt cus the person might abuse the boy). In such a case, the mother to tag along every time and yes, she foots the bill too. But still this boy will might have separation anxiety issues when the ‘mentor’ decides to walk away; poor thing L

Fourth solution: Seek counseling from a professional, prayers and fasting because this requires wisdom from heaven above. I won’t wish even my worst enemy to be in such a situation because it ceased being tricky a long time ago, it’s complicated, its messed up, it’s just tangled, all rolled up into one.

Fifth solution: make this weekend thing a one day’s affair and everyone including the guy’s wife to go on this date. This should go on until both kids are able to understand the situation and from there on each to choose what they want to do with their weekends aka free time.

Now, I think I am arguing a ‘cushioned point of view’ you know, it’s them and not me and chances are it might never happen to me. But if this was my case, I’d never let my kids feel the difference whether black or mixed. Make them understand they are sisters and brothers and that’s all that matters.

Moral of the story, when you decide to have different fathers for your kids although at times sh*t happens; let them be from the same race and the same financial capability (sounds like a gold digger’s line of thought but heck! Anything for my kids). Its easier to deal with other issues but not race issues; also equal treatment for both kids when one baby daddy decides to fold his legs and hands. Don’t let one kid enjoy all the niceties when the other is left feeling like they are a mistake on the face of the earth. By letting one to be picked and later dropped with bags and bags of shopping is just breeding hatred between the kids. This is how sibling rivalry is born and getting them to love another later in life will be an uphill task, the hatred will trickle down to their families; so tread carefully.

Bottom line, put yourself in her situation, how would you handle the situation different? Let me hear/see what you think.

 

 

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Friends with benefits is not for the Faint heart

We all like good looking men, men and women. Yes, men too like other good looking men, forget the not so straight men, the straight ones are what I am talking about. Did you know an interviewer will hire an attractive man as an employee to work as a team player only? However, if this new employee is being hired as a competitor, he will be discriminated. Yes, men also feel threatened by other good looking men. What I have never understood though is how a man will never say a fellow man is handsome or good looking. My friend and my cousin think men who complement others on how they look (I don’t mean dressing) sound so gayish..

Moving on swiftly, the other day, this fine creation of God approached me and I was so happy that the good Lord has finally found it fit to get me a companion. We chat and chat and chat some more and to my utter shock, he’s looking for a friends with benefit. In fact he told me he aint looking for a wife, he’s just looking for a good time before he can settle down. I thought to my self, fair enough, atleast he didn’t string me along making me believe he wants to make me a Mrs. I am a sucker for men who state what the want from the word go; I give it up for married men who approach you and tell you they are married take it or leave it. These are straight forward men who don’t want to string the poor souls along only to heartbreak them when they are all done with whatever. There is a special place in hell for people who string others along to use them for whatever; it is so wrong on so many levels. On the judgment day, the devil will have this evil grin when turning them upside down on the hell’s frying pan; and I will be having this evil laughter as a I watch them languish in pain.

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Anywho, matters friends with benefits; this is a convenient way of laying each other without any commitments. Unfortunately one of the parties will always develop feelings towards the other and sooner or later, hearts will be broken so bad, they will not know what hit them. Unfortunately poor babies come along and the parties involved trying to be responsible ‘settle’ for each other and that’s how miserable lives for the three or more souls are born. Of course one of the partners and in most cases it will always be a woman will think this is it; this is the perfect guy for me and my babies but deep down the guy feels trapped. For those people that are not too lucky, it is an endless war of child support, children’s courts, bitter life and so much misery. Its like being trapped between a rock and a hard place; you are trying to be responsible but on the other hand you don’t want to feel trapped.

I have heard a few stories; like one in a million cases where friends with benefits end up married and live happily ever after. As for the rest, it is heartbreaks, tears, bitterness and misery for a long time to come. People should know that if a person thinks you are only fit to be a fuckmate or a friends with benefits, chances are, even in a thousand years, their perception about you might never change. Therefore, don’t get into this kinda of an arrangement thinking that Mr. handsome will change and take you as a wife, it aint happening. If this kind of arrangement presents itself and you are thinking you should give it a try, don’t get into it thinking anything good will come out of it. Never develop feelings towards the other party (easier said than done). Don’t cuddle, don’t hold hands, don’t spend the night or whatever time you are hitting the sack, just don’t dilly dally. That’s how feelings are developed. In fact, don’t even cook together, watch movies or go for rides like lovers do. Finish your business, hit the door and close the door behind you. Don’t keep calling to check on each other, just call each other when the need knocks. However, this is a tall order; we are humans and we all need affection at some point.

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What I am trying say is, friends with benefits are a waste of time and a waste of emotions. It is a waste of both especially for the one who falls in love with the other party. You are so blinded that you don’t see other people who would appreciate your love, time and affection. Besides who wants to date someone who’s still sleeping with another one? You sit there hoping that this other party will finally say they want a better relationship with you. It is worse when you haven’t been in a relationship for a long time and this fine creation of God comes calling and you get into it body, mind and soul.  You might get into this arrangement thinking when time comes you will get out of it like nothing happened. However, when you need affection and someone shows it, getting out becomes a problem. Therefore, if you are the needy type, keep away from such arrangements; you will save yourself from so much drama and heartaches. Even when you are not needy, attachment takes a very short time but detaching can take eons.

As a parting shot, state what you want when you meet someone you would like to be with. Put yourself in their shoes just incase you are thinking of stringing them along; and friends with benefits should not even come into the picture. And finally, pray for wisdom and discernment (now I am sounding like my pastor) to know ‘em that are out there to string you along….

Happy relationships J

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I hate my ex-boyfriend! He was special

We all have an ex-boyfriend or exes depending on how you attract and dump them or how they get attracted to you and you get dumped. I am not sure if it is something to be ashamed of or something to be applauded of..I would say it depends with the priorities at hand. That not withstanding, I am sure we have all had an ex or exes and there is that one ex who is the benchmark of ’em all. He or she is like the marking scheme of all the people (exes, one night stands, weekend stands, name it..) who have managed to be in your life. This is that one person who set the bar up there and something tells me not so many of us have managed to replace these benchmarks.

i hate my ex boyfriend

I have developed ‘new hatred’ for my ex-boyfriend…. I mean…He set the bar so high and i have been having such a hard time. The few frogs I have kissed are either sloppy kissers, bad lovers are there is just something wrong with them. The reason we are  exes is because something didnt work out pretty well and common sense dictated that we move on and moving on we did. But the problem is that I keep comparing my dates to him. My ex-boyfriend used to behave this and that and this new catch just annoys me from here to Guangzhou with the way he kisses, the way he eats or just the way he talks. My ex-boyfriend used to hold me this way and he would cup my face this way when he kissed me but this new catch doesnt have the time to cup my face, he grabs my face and goes ahead to suck the life outta my lips. And washes you with all the saliva he can gather from his mouth. I think I read somewhere that when kissing people exchange 12 gallons of saliva, eeeeew! I want to stop kissing already, can you imagine all that saliva going down your throat #Ijustpukedalittleinmymouth#

My ex-boyfriend used to call me just the right time and we talked all about the right things but my new catch drains the charge outta my phone with his texts and its kinda annoying. My ex just had the right things to say and at the right time…With this new catch…..his vibe just doesnt tickle my fancy and to tell you I dont dread his texts I would be lying. Pretending to like one’s vibe is a real torture and being the nice me, text etiquette dictates you reply a text even when you dont feel like it. Now the problem is when this ‘textee’ does not read the signs and goes on and on and you cant outrightly tell them to stop.

My ex-boyfriend was the perfect gentleman, well not quite but he knew how to read my body language..these other frogs i have been kissing in a bid to see if they’ll turn into a prince cant do that. My ex-boyfriend never used to have  small talks, he would go straight to the point. Small talks sap the energy outta me and sometimes I just want to strangle a soul and tell them to go straight to the point!

My ex-boyfriend never at one time tried to make me know that he is the man of the house…probably he should have but I gotta give it up for the few frogs I have kissed. They are all gentlemen, one was good enough to wipe my shoes once when I visited and him and it was all muddy et.al.. Read ready breakfast when i woke up and many other nice things :-)..Anyway, here is the sad part, all that awesomeness just went down the drain..we left each other, hahaha! Is there something like that? quick boyfie

The bottom line is, I hate my ex-boyfriend! . I cant seem to get anyone like him…yeah, yeah, yeah, i know…thats the whole point…Aaaaanyway, I hate him because, no one will ever match up to him ..dont get me started on his perfect height, perfect body mass,perfect smile and perfect laughter…ooh, and the perfect lips and eyes and head….sigh…..and prefect teeth,lol! Dont get me wrong..I have moved on already, just that no one has ever matched to him…And ooh, he was just the perfect kisser,but I hope the last frog I kiss turns out to be the prince..I am tayaaaad! Of kissing ’em frogs…sigh! kissing ’em too many toads..Wait, I guess toads are little cute as compared to frogs..Probably I should start kissing toads from now on, one might just just turn out to be the prince since the transformation will take a little less time. And we will live happily ever after….:-D

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