Answered prayers…….

Who am I kidding? I can’t pull this one, I have been psyching myself up in the hope that things will seem right but no….It just doesn’t feel right. I feel like I am violating somebody’s rights. It might seem right to them but it feels horrible to me. This whole thingy has awakened my long dead feelings and at some point I have been thinking, damn, this is it! But deep inside me it still doesn’t feel right; there is just something that feels wrong. How do you explain to your friends even…. How do you explain to yourself when all has been said and done, when you sit down to reflect and you are left wondering what weed you had been smoking…..

Damn! I know life is all about making uncertain leaps but this I don’t think I want to. It looks enticing, what with all the innocence and the whole idea of feeling alive again but what happens after that. A heart break of the year… The heart break might not happen to me but how do I live with myself knowing that I broke a poor chap’s heart and felt nothing about it? Most of the times the heartbreaker feels nothing about it but does he or she ever put him or herself in the heartbroken’s heart? No, never! That’s how much I care for himI don’t want him to be left hating women for all I know…

Wait! Maybe this is myself I am talking aboutI am scared of loving againI am scared of laying my heart bare to someoneI am scared of the disappointments, heartbreaks and all the tears that sometimes comes with being in loveI have been reading too many ‘lived happily ever after’ novels and I always expect things to end well which rarely happens. I read somewhere that we are always on our knees praying to God for something and even when we get it we still continue to pray for it because we are still expecting the specific one we had asked for. This brings me to another update I read on Facebook the other day….Facebook will be the death of me one day, ha ha ha!!! Figure out this, you pray for a man, you get one, he doesn’t come like the proverbial, dark, tall, handsome and materially loaded man and so you keep on praying and wondering why God is not answering your prayersWell, He just answered its just that the man does not have ENOUGH SWAG, he he he…

So, in my case, maybe this is the man I am destined to be with and I am here still praying for one. One who comes with money, the one who can take me out for a good plate of sea food and exotic wine, for those rides in the wilderness and for shopping in Westgate shopping malls… I think its not even about the money, it is not even about the dates, not even about the shopping, I guess I still don’t know what I am looking for in my ideal man… I don’t know what I want, I guess I am still living in the past, I am still nursing my past heartbreak, I am still waiting for that reunion, the one that happens in soap operas, Damn! I am going to stop watching soapsThey are ruining my mind already and making me live in fantasy…

ION I miss a warm, genuine hug with a sweeeeeeeeeet long kiss and a cuddle in front of the TV in the evening watching a moviemmmhhhheavenly is an understatement….. 

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It feels like a Monday

For some reason, today feels like a Monday and you bet! I am not liking it one bit…I have not worked today although writing this is still part of working…Its cold, damn cold, I am in a short skirt so you can imagine how cold my legs are…All the more I need to get me a nice pair of sexy boots…

Its been one of those mornings you wish you can just cover yourself on the couch holding on to a hot cup of white chocolate while watching a tear jerker…Talking of movies, I love the ‘Christian Bitches’ and i cant wait to watch Season 2..Mercy Orengo, thanks for telling me about the Christian Bitches…Indeed, they are Christian bitches…To tell you the truth, I wonder if people ever change or its just a front they put on for people to think they have changed….Amanda is now convinced that her high school neighbors never changed.

I hate to think how their lives have been if they have lived in that Dallas neighborhood all their life…It must have been boring..That is why I hated the idea of schooling at our district in high school, college, work there and eventually get married there…I am not such an explorer but so far so good and more is coming..I will let you in when I become an international tourist..

It was not one of my New Year’s resolutions but before the end of the year, I want to have travelled a lot…. Travelling makes life all exciting ….

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Who is a bitch?

I am at a point where I feel like I need to do something out of this world. Not to get the attention of anybody, just for the heck of it!! The other day, I updated my facebook status that I will start becoming bitchy and my friends thought I had smoked some bad stuff. One particular friend, told me that bitches are ran over by trucks and I couldnt help but laugh, really!! Talking of bitches and being bitchy, what qualifies one to be a bitch? Is going for what you want part of being bitchy? Just wondering…

Is dressing the part being bitchy, is talking your mind bitchy? Someone give me the definition of being bitchy because the word bitch can have a hell lot of meanings…Me thinks its all about the dictionary you use, ha ha ha ha!! I think being a bitch is stepping on other people’s toes without caring whether they will feel pain or not. 

The other day there was this discussion about short dresses and skirts and I thought to myself, why wont these men just let us be…I love my skirts short but just slightly above the knee and not any higher. So it left me wondering, cant we show our sexy legs? I thought sexy is being proud of your body, somebody correct me…. The last time I checked, it was a free world, dress in what makes your heart tick. Some tights, a long top and some killer boots will do the trick for me in this weather…And for my out of this world thingy, I am getting me a nice pair of boots and a cute skirt…Yeah, boots could be so normal for you, yes, you but for me its not normal, I have never done boots and short skirts and I am thinking, they could make my heart tick again…

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Dont I just love the woman I am turning out to be…

I slept in a curtainless windowed room and the look of stars at night was just amazing. I just loved the way stars and the little light from the moon looked like. It must be amazing to sleep under the stars, literally! And then I had a long drive in the grassland, I managed to see some zebras and i thought how amazing it would be to have such long drives in the morning while listening to some cool music while sipping your most favorite drink. I was the passenger for the better part of the journey but at some point I also got to drive and to tell you the truth I enjoyed the experience. I have never driven a car and it felt like a child with her first toy. 

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It was kinda scary but my driver friend  was really helpful, he told me for somebody who has never touched a steering wheel, I was doing good and yaaay!! I am so proud of myself…another friend told me that when she puts her mind on doing something she makes sure she gets well. I hope she gets to read this..I was not  even thinking about driving today and not even anytime soon but when I was given the challenge, something told me, why not? I drove for around two to three kilometers but the best thing is that there were not so many cars on the road…For starter thats good, my driver friend tells me I should train on the highway but to be on the safer side, open grounds and deserted roads will work just fine for me. And to tell you I enjoyed the moments is an understatement! I will be trying it again soonest and I just cant wait! 

ION I cant wait to have my hair done today…It feels like a year since I saw my salonist. So, can we all have lovely Saturdays and while at it, make somebody’s day…

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I STILL LOVE YOU, I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH

What I still don’t know up to now is why I still think about you. I don’t know why I keep mentioning you in my prayers. I don’t know why I keep seeing you everywhere I go, I just don’t know. You know what I hate the most, that I am still in love in you. I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU. It’s like an obsession, it’s like you are my favorite drug, that I have to have even when I know it’s bad for my health, yes my health, for my heart. Just like crack addicts keep promising themselves that they will stop smoking crack, I keep promising myself that I will stop thinking about you. I just can’t, you don’t know how many times I have promised myself a gift if a day will pass without you crossing my mind but I still do. Every time I see your name my heart skips a beat, I get butterflies in my stomach, it is like the first time you offered me a glass of juice as I was seated on the stairs getting some afternoon sun. I still remember that initially I had declined the offer but after you insisted I agreed. The glass of juice was the start of good things to come and bad things in between. The hot chocolates and cookies every evening after college, some nice Michael Jackson Music and oohh! your good humor. I hated our silly break ups but I loved the make ups.

I should still be suffering from puppy love but I guess I want to suffer from it all my life. The only tragedy is that I am my own prisoner. I can’t seem to be making a head or a tail about where I am headed to. I am so stagnant, thanks to this puppy love, sometimes its sucks… It kills me inside that you are in somebody else’s arms, too unfortunate I can’t do a thing about it. The much I have done have yielded nothing, so I am leaving it just the way it is…Wait! Am I giving up on you? Not yet…But what I don’t understand is, why I am still holding on to it. I am a very impatient person, I give up at the sight of the slightest disappointment but this, this, I am still hoping, crossing both my fingers and my toes until they are painful and literally praying that I will have you back. I guess, no, I am sure that I am still in love with you. I know I should have moved on like yesterday but there is just something that still keeps holding me back. I HATE THAT I STILL LOVE YOU!  I have dreamt with you a million times and every time I wake up, I want to hold on to those dreams for the rest of my life. Never to wake, to always dream with you. Like yester night I had a dream, I dreamt tasting your lips, they tasted so sweet, the warmth of your breath on my neck was just heavenly, and it felt heavenly good to hold you….*alarm rings* and I woke up….

I miss waking up to your handsome face, to your sweet lips ad to the rhythm of your heartbeat…I miss, no , I miss you is an understatement!! If there was a stronger word I would have used it, just to let you know how much I miss you. I miss kissing you in the morning, adjusting your tie every now and then and just the smell of your cologne on my clothes after I had hugged you goodbye. I miss your kisses on my forehead. I miss you. I miss your tight hugs at night, every time you turned you had to hug me from the back and every time I turned I would hug you from the back. With my hand on your heart, I would listen to your heartbeat until I would drift to sleep. I miss you, I miss you so much.

Every time I prepare mashed beans and rice, it always reminds of you. I loved it when you prepared it for us. Omelette and rice, mmhh…I can still remember how better it tasted every time u would prepare it. God knows I am still so much in love with you…call me love sick, call me whatever, but I want you back…I want you back into my life, to awaken my almost dead heart, to awaken my dead feelings, I need you back.  You might never read this and in the event you do, just know that I am still waiting for you. Know that I am still in love with you.  I know I should get a life and let you be but it’s just hard. Somebody tell him to read this, somebody tell him that I am still in love with him. I guess what they say is right, that you never stop loving somebody, that you only learn to live without them….I have not stopped loving you…. I might never stop loving you….yes, I STILL LOVE YOU….I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH….

Come back to me, come and take me away, to a far off place where we make love in the clouds…where we can watch the sun come up and go down just the two of us….come back my love, my hands are open for you…come baby come…..I miss you….I miss you so much……

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Snares of death…so strong…

My mum’s cousin just passed away a few days ago and it is too unfortunate I did not attend his funeral. He was once a doctor, mark my words, I said a doctor. In fact he was a surgeon. My sentiments are, even with all the lives he had saved his whole life he could not save himself from the snares of death. Just like the Kiswahili saying, kinyozi hajinyoi kisogo, I came to realize that death is one of the most powerful forces that we can never save ourselves from. Remember how ambulance pilots fly people to hospitals to have their lives saved, how ambulance drivers defy traffic rules to get people to hospitals in time just to save their lives….You get the drift, that when death knocks at your door, there is nothing much you can do to get yourself out of its snares. It doesn’t matter whether you used to be the ‘savior’ or not, it will take you anyway

You remember the Australian scientist who was stung by a poisonous fish, he had spent his whole life studying the fish, the aquatic life in general but when he was stung by the same fish he had been studying.  Even with all the knowledge he could not save his life. Had he been given a chance, maybe he would have given the prescription of drugs that would have saved his life

First Aid instructors spend most of their lives teaching people on what to do in the event of an accident. More often than not, you find that even with all the knowledge, they are never able to save themselves. Some may choke on food, drinks or find themselves in tricky situations only the grace of God can get them out.

Even the most skillful driver sometimes finds himself in a tricky situation and after the accident, you look at what caused the accident and his death and you can’t find an answer. Reason being, death is more powerful than any of us can fathom.

Scientists spend their whole lives studying diseases, their causes, how they can be prevented and their cures but at the end of the day, you find that they may end up dying of the same diseases that they were studying.

Bottom line is, live life like there’s no tomorrow. Share as much as possible; help as much as you can because when death knocks on your door, you will not have a chance to do all the things that you would have wanted to do. There might be second chances in this life but they don’t always happen. So, take first chances as the only chances and do good, love like you have never been heartbroken, life is too short to live on yester years, on yesterday’s heartbreaks.

Its hard to let go of the heartbreaks because, they leave you all in pieces and wondering whether you will ever be whole again.  . Mend the pieces and soldier on!! It a short life, live it to the fullest!!! It’s been my motto from the start of the year and I am seeing the fruits already….I am gaining my chubby cheeks back not to mention my glowing face! He he he….

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A dark night…

As soon as he opened the gate, he knew something was awfully wrong. The compound looked deserted, the house was dark and the noise that would meet him from the gate was not there either. He even dreaded walking towards the house but he wanted to know what the hell was going on. He walked slowly as if he was tiptoeing, with his eyes darting from side to side as if it would help the situation, forget the fact that the moon was not that bright.  Only the sound of crickets could be heard and the wind breeze as it swayed the trees in his compound……

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How do I make my life lively?

Have you ever been in a point where you felt like your life is so boring and you wanted to escape to God knows where? That is the point I am in at the moment..This routine of waking up, showering, going to work, working the whole day, back to the house and the routine continues..Its boring to say the least…You can imagine at times I have to extend some hours at work just to kill the boredom..And the worst thing is that walking to work and back home is a tedious affair…There is nothing to enjoy, what with all the dust, you feel like you are taking a walk in Kalahari Desert…By the time you are getting to and from work, you are dusty like from here to kingdom comes…

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And the worst thing is going back to your house and there is no one to talk…You are not so conversant with the neighbors and even if you are, you just dont fit in…I know what am supposed to do but the drive to do it is just at zero…..Anyway, I hope to take up a new hobby because watching TV is not healthy according to our health experts….

Never say never! I had always swore that I wouldnt be caught dead working and living in some of these places, look where I am now….I am not going to quit my job but I hope God’s grace will be sufficient to see me through…This is one of those places where you wake up and feel like asking your Maker to make you disappear into an exotic island never to come back..

I have learnt a few things that will make your life and mine more exciting..Lets try taking up some new hobbies…Sometimes reading a good book can take away the boredom…You can borrow books from your friends and if they dont have, you can download some materials from the internet and have them printed so that you can read whenever you need to..I have “Why Men love bitches” in soft copy and i hope to have it keep me busy for some time…

I want to start having some trips, visiting friends and just going for that coffee once in a while.I will start inviting friends for coffee instead of waiting for them to invite me…I am not such a good cook so inviting friends over will not be such a good idea…I hate doing dishes too and you  know what will happen once you invite friends over, piles and piles of dishes to do……

I have already changed my hairstyle, it used to be long but now I am spotting a bob cut and so far so good..I have given out  a big pile of my clothes and the remaining I will give out soon so that I can get a new wardrobe…

Start cooking your favorite dishes and learn how to make new dishes…Try out new recipes and once in a while when you feel psyched up, invite your friends over for that cake….

And if you are single like me, mingle and mingle even more..And the married ones, involve your hubbies and your wives in your new plans and you will see how sweet life can be….

 

 

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Making love on the clouds

I want to do this in my next life, no, before i meet my maker. I dont see this happening in the near future though but lets just fantasize, we all do. This is one of those dare devil moments and I am sure some of us would rather not do it even if it was to be our  last one. That feeling of floating in the air while you are still floating on your way to heaven, its would just be heavenly to say the least…

Visualize yourself in an air balloon up there having one of those moments and ice cream melting in all the right places. At the crack of dawn and those lovely rays when the sun is rising in the morning. I would give anything to have it. Or on the top of Mt.Kenya as you watch the sun come up behind the snow-capped mountain. And it had better not be just banging, it better be those slow motion sort of things you see in the movies…..Where lovers reach heaven and back when they are still here on earth. Those slow motion movements that make you tear at the corner of your eyes, when you want to hold on to him for the rest of your life. When you want to have his heart beating in yours so that you can listen to his beats as you walk around… Ooohh, the joys of being in love, his perfume smells so great that you want to soak your clothes in it. You can recognize it from a mile away.

You knew the perfume before you met him but now it smells better and different. The smell of his skin is the best thing in your life..oohh, the sweetness of love… I want to make love someday on the beach, yes! In the evening when the sun is setting, wen it is just the two of us in that beach…. Where do u want to make love in your next life…

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Life is what you make it

 

ImageI am that kinda of a lady who thinks that life is what you make it. Make it hard and you will surely see how hard it can be. All manner of hardships come your way from right, left and center. I also have those moments when I make my life hard in one way or the other but at the end of the day, I make sure I look at the situation from the positive side of it.

And yes!!!!, Reading your bible as many times as possible, it helps all the time,all the time

I might not make sense at that particular time but reflecting on those words after the dust has settled, you will realize why we are on earth and God is in heaven

 

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