The other day one of my colleagues was to take us on a road trip, Shi and I, well, he was also part of the road trip. He however decided to bring along his crush which was ok with me until Shi pointed out how awkward that would be. I thought to myself, mmhhh, come to think of it, it’ll be awkward. Any who, it was already late and I couldn’t backtrack on my decision since he had asked if I was ok with it and I had said yes.. The D-day is here, we meet, we get to the car, awkwardness is already setting in and we are wondering how much we would ENDURE before we get to our destination. I guess the universe heard/saw our dissatisfaction because the car developed problems even before we left Nairobi County. And we happily exited from the car; eeeh, how sadistic can we get?
Same weekend on Sunday I pop into this salon after church cus my hair needed some TLC. Salons in my hood don’t need you to make an appointment, so you just pop in and have your hair done. This particular day though, everyone was busy and she decided to get me someone else to do my hair. I had to go to her salon to have my hair done. My hair is washed and blow dried and as we all know, once someone else comes in, your plaiting has to wait as she gets this easy money. Any-who, I don’t have an issue so long as it is one client; not 20 clients and yours truly has to wait. Anyway, as I wait for this client to be served, this salonist’s 4 year old daughter is being groomed to be a salonist and she decides yours truly will be her human mannequin. I sit there silently even as my head is being turned right, left and center and since I am a nice person, I let this baby practice. Any-who, she’s threatening to leave me with a broken neck and I nicely tell her to stop.. She throws a tantrum, I kid you not! Anyway, I stand my ground and she ends up sleeping out of anger.
People pleasers or is it people pleasing is a bad disease you know. We never realize we are pleasing people until we have already done it too many times, or until someone points it out. You realize I didn’t say no to my colleague bringing his crush along as much as it was supposed to be the three of us. Do you know why I might have said yes, because I didn’t want him to think I am a meanie, I didn’t want him to feel like I am selfish and stuff. I didn’t want him to say he’s changed his mind if his crush can’t tag along; beggars are not choosers J. Why didn’t I say not to the kid threatening to break my neck? I didn’t want to break her heart.
You see why we say yes to please people; for love, validation, favors (just in case we need something from them at some point). I am naturally a nice person J and I am too soft as well, so sometimes I’ll just agree to do something even though it’ll inconvenience me. Other times I’ll say no but the guilt that will eat me up is just on another level. I can’t decide whether my neediness has a lot to do with it but I am trying to understand myself as time goes by. Someone says I am quite needy, hahaha! I don’t know about that but I am trying to enjoy my own company as days go by, damn! This age thing is coming with a lot of wisdom; the things I’ve learnt since I turned a year older this year are much more than I have ever learnt in my entire life! Story for another day J
Can you say no to people pleasing? Yes, you can. How can you do that?
By knowing that you have a choice; yes, you have a choice, you have a freaking choice! You don’t have to say yes to everything. I know making that choice is the hardest but once you say no, more than once, you’ll get the hang of it. Just say no if you cant help on whatever, kesi baadaye( explanations later)
Think it over: Once someone asks for a favor, don’t blurt out a yes even before a second thought. I have this tendency of saying yes even before I think much about it. Of course once you give a yes, you are done for! There’s no going back. So ask for some time to think about it although once someone tells me they’ll get back to me, it translates into a no in not so many words. Whatever the case, after much thought you’ll know if you are in a position to agree to it or not
Love yourself! I can’t emphasize on this; I am still a long way into loving myself but I am making some good steps. We all know this validation seeking is because we don’t love ourselves enough and we think some external love will do us a lot of good. Unfortunately this external love does us more harm than good. By the time we realize what is happening, we are more damaged than we were before it came along. Put yourself first, love yourself so much until people start terming it as being selfish or being self centred.
Don’t give explanations as to why you cant: Once you start explaining yourself on why you cant, believe you me you’ll find yourself deep in. Some people just have a way of arm twisting you and being the nice you, you cant uncoil yourself from their pinky finger. You end up pleasing them at the expense of your happiness/sanity. Say no until you say what you are getting yourself into. As I said, it is OK to say no
Even the Bible says love your neighbor as you love yourself; yaani, love yourself first so that you can love your neighbor. By doing so, you don’t have to put up with people’s shenanigans so that they can give love in return..
LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF! I MEAN LOVE YOURSELF